Gridiron Rhetoric: Week 9

[Cross blogged for Leland Quarterly]

Sing, goddess, sing of the son of the Oiler, of Andrew and football—
Tell us a tale of a battle, of war on the gridiron foul fought.
Heroes of valor, intrepid in red, that most vibrant of color,
Card’nal crusaders who rampaged and pillaged, with ruin and wreckage
Left in their wake.  In the rubble of Troy we did dance ’til the morning.

Two thousand seven the year was, remember, when downtrodden Stanford
Toppled the powers that be; in their home Coliseum, our vict’ry.
Huge was the wrath of the Trojans, those Demons, who storm’d our own homestay—

Two thousand eight was a sad one, remember, when vanquishing Stanford
Tasted a bitter and loathsome defeat at the hands of the white, gold,
Card’nal imposters, the Armies of Troy, in our home brought us downfall.

Two thousand nine was a great one, remember, resurgent as Stanford
March’d into Troy, and then took what it wanted, a fifty-and-five coup.
Harbaugh to Carroll, a jest and a joke: what’s this deal of your owning?

Two thousand ten was a close one, remember, when prospering Stanford
Placed all its hopes on the foot of one kicker, and truly the ball flew,
Wings like wise Hermes was shepherding; I shall not want for a vict’ry.

What is the reason for such a long epic, a story engrossing?
Sanchez as Paris, he stole from us Helen, the Pride of Pacific;
Harbaugh avenger, the king Menelaus, built armies to cross swords;
Carroll as Priam, the elderly monarch with wisdom and savvy;
Shaw then is King Agamemnon, commander and leader of Stanford;
Barkley as Hector, the pride of his father, a soldier of old Troy;
Leaving us Andrew, our Luck as Achilles, the mightiest hero,
One whose adroitness is legend, whose talent is awesome, with warlike
Myrmidons Cardinal ready, besiegers with sights set on Troy’s walls.

Two-O-eleven, a great one, remember, when dominant Stanford
Travels to Troy with a visage resplendent, to show once again that
Card’nal and white will best card’nal and gold, and no horse and no fight song
Have any hope that the outcome be changed, for my Cardinal FIGHT ON.

TROY, based on Homer’s THE ILIAD, starring ANDREW LUCK as ACHILLES

Finally, a look at some non-dactylic-hexameter rhetoric from around the internet: