The Final Relic

Now that I have some time, the last of my old blogs is going up.  Mainly because I still enjoy it.

Marxio: A Study of the Capped Crusader’s Deeper Meanings

It is generally accepted that a certain Mr. Mario Mario, developed by Shigeru Miyamoto, is the ubiquitous “good guy,” fighting tyranny—embodied by a turtle/dinosaur/monarch/psychopath/thing apparently named after Miyamoto’s dog—and getting the girl (or, as those crazy kids call it these days, “tappin’ dat”).  However, consider if Mario wasn’t created with these lofty ideals in mind.  What if he was made for a dark, sinister purpose?  A secret purpose that has never been revealed before?

Long story short—he was.

Like a horrible Frankenstein-esque monster, Mario was sewn together from old propaganda at the end of the Bolshevik revolution in Russia that ultimately placed Joseph Stalin in power.  Mario is therefore nothing more than a Soviet ploy to convince children that it’s the communist way or the… other communist way.  Or death, usually by flattening or a form of bouncing projectile pyrokinesis.

  • The first clue in Mario’s link to Soviet Russia lies in his appearance (see figures 1 and 2).  The capped and mustachioed madman bears a striking resemblance to Dear Leader Stalin.  And as Mario always wears a hat, who’s to say he’s not hiding a hair cut rivaling the magnificent mane of Stalin himself?

Fig. 1: Mario, professional plumber, princess rescuer, and goomba flattener.

Fig. 2: Joseph Stalin, leader of Soviet Russia and general pain in the ass.

 

  • Mario’s appearance has gradually changed over the years.  When he first appeared in the Donkey Kong arcade game, he wore red overalls and a blue shirt, which was later reversed.  However, if the red shirt and the red overalls are worn in conjunction (figure 3) Mario becomes a member of the Soviets’ Red Army, complete with hammer and sickle and ready to kick some major fascist/capitalist ass. [Circle “fascist” if Mussolini returns from the grave on Easter.  Circle “capitalist”  otherwise.  Circle both boxes if George Bush uses the loophole in Article 48 of the Weimar Constitution to take over America.]
 

Fig. 3: Mario in full Communist outfit. This ain’t no Tanooki suit.

  • Mario is said to reside in the magical “Mushroom Kingdom.”  But if you take out the “m,” “h,” “o,” second “o,” and last “m” in “Mushroom,” ignore “Kingdom,” and add an “s,” what do you get?  Exactly—USSR.  Undeniable proof that this so-called “Mushroom Kingdom” is nothing more than a world where communism reigns supreme and has spread from the frozen, bleak tundra of Russia to the lush, tropical mid-equatorial zones.
  • The goombas and koopas, whom Mario regularly squashes, are simply metaphorical representations of Russia’s enemies.  The common goomba (see figure 4) is representative of Britain’s ex-Prime Minister Winston Churchill.  A koopa (see figure 5), which will retreat into its shell in order to attack Mario, symbolizes America and what Russia saw as its cowardly tactics in World War II.  In the war, no European country could feasibly attack the United States directly, leaving its industrial base unscathed and the devastated Soviets (ahem) seeing red.  It is important to note at this point that a goomba or koopa with wings is symbolic of the Allied planes that foiled Russian attempts to force the Allies out of Berlin after the war.

 

Fig. 4: Britain’s Winston Churchill bears a rather obvious resemblance to a goomba. Whether or not a goomba could defeat Germany in World War II is yet to be tested. Then again, whether or not Winston Churchill can flatten and turn into a coin when you jump on his head is also unclear.

Fig. 5: This cowardly koopa is shown playing golf, the undeniably most sissy of all fake sports (included in this category are badminton, body building, Slamball, and curling).

  • The king of the koopas, of course, is Bowser, the malformed, probably genetically-altered über-turtle with a thing for blonds (see figure 6).  Obviously, he bears many physical and sociopathic traits in common with another well-known lady’s man.  Bowser, like any ordinary turtle, breathes fire.  You know who else liked fire?  Hitler.  Yes, Adolf Hitler used fire to cremate the bodies of brutally massacred Jews, Gypsies, communists, midgets, homosexuals, illegal immigrants, people whose grandmothers were named “Ethel,” silversmiths, and anyone who looked at him the wrong way.  The ultra-conservative tenets of fascism are ideologically and politically the sworn enemy of communism, which is ultra-liberal, and Mario—as communism’s chosen warrior—is destined to defeat Bowser and with him the forces of Nazi Germany.

Fig. 6: The ill-tempered koopa king can often be compared to another ill-tempered führer with a hair cut that only looks like a turtle shell.

 

  • In any good Mario game, bonus points or some other variation of goodies are awarded for collecting coins.  When the communists come knocking on your door, they take all of your coins and you don’t argue (see comment in ¶ 3 about flattening, etc.). Unfortunately, in Soviet Russia, no bonus points were ever, ever awarded, making many people very sad.  Then they joined the army. (There’s really no punch line here. Then again, with a desperate, nine million man army of loose cannon commies, you don’t need one.)
  • At the end of Mario’s plethora of (mis)adventures, he is invariably reunited with his love—Princess Peach.  While there’s no exact correlation between this and Stalin’s life, it can be speculated that Stalin was reunited with his good friend Hitler in the bowels of Hell. (Spoiler alert: unjustifiable butchery of innumerable human lives is a sin—who knew?)

As for Mario, his stint as a pawn of Soviet propaganda has been over since 1991 and he has gone back to his everyday life as a plumber/proletariat member.  Social reform will no longer play a part in our plump friend’s life, as he is content to spend the rest of his days shoveling human filth from sewer pipes and moonlighting as a fighter of oppression.  Who wouldn’t be?

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